January 26, 2003 - Marvin's Room

In the first reading, we join a conversation already in progress. Jesus has asked his disciples what the crowds were saying about him, and who they themselves thought Jesus was. Peter has bravely answered, "You are Messiah, or, the Christ, come from God." Let?s listen to what Jesus says then: [read Luke 9:21-25]

It is one of the great paradoxes of faith: trying too hard to save one?s soul can only mean losing it. Seeking love by control, by means of fear, will result in losing the love so desperately sought. Some years later the author of the letter of 1 John reflected on the nature of God, and love, and why we love. Listen to what he had to say: [read 1 John 4:16-21]

Families. Aren?t they something? We are born into them ? or adopted into them ? without our consent, usually with the very best of intentions on parents? parts that there amidst that odd assortment of people we will be sheltered and fed, taught and inspired, corrected and applauded, shaped and formed. There we first observe human beings in action together ? caring for each other, hurting each other; being the best that human beings can be, and sometimes being the very worst; astonishing goodness and sacrifice, appalling wrongs done, in the name of God, even . . . sometimes, not many times but too many times.

"A family is a circle of people who love you" we say on our bulletin cover each week. For we know that "family" can take many forms. We have looked at some families in the Bible this year. We saw Mary and Joseph, and Jesus ? a family that got off to an unusual and difficult start. A family whose son did not follow his parents? wishes always. A son who at times shunned his biological family in favor of his newfound friends, his followers. But a son who at his death made sure his mother was cared for. The Holy Family did not fit any patterns.

And earlier in the fall we remembered the story of Ruth. Her family story didn?t fit any mold either, a foreigner marrying a Jewish man, and then after his death following her mother-in-law Naomi back home. There she started over again in another family.

There are many other family stories in the Bible, and they seldom live up to expectations; unless you expect families then to be like families now: always complicated, never simple, usually changing; places where we experience our deepest joys, and our most profound disappointments too; where we have our very best intentions to be thoughtful and caring, sacrificial, even, that those we love ? children, parents, brothers and sisters, grandparents ? will be happy, will find meaning and purpose and so be all that God has created us to be. In our closing hymn today we will read these words: We learn through our families how closeness and trust increase when our actions are loving and just. Yet families have also distorted their roles, mistreating their members and bruising their souls.

This week?s film, Marvin?s Room, does a masterful job of portraying the complexities of living in family. Bessie and Lee are sisters, long estranged. Twenty years ago their father, Marvin, had a stroke that has left him bedridden and unable to speak. Bessie (played by Diane Keaton) has given up any life plans she had in order to care for Marvin, and for Aunt Ruth Marvin?s eccentric, not very helpful, but good-hearted sister. Lee, on the other hand, left Florida for Ohio to pursue her dreams. She married, was abandoned by her husband, and has two children. The oldest, Hank (played by Leonardo DiCaprio), is in constant conflict with his mother, and does things like burn the family home down. Lee and Bessie have not spoken for twenty years.

Then Bessie is diagnosed with leukemia, and she is need of a bone marrow transplant. A match will most likely be from a family member, and so a call is made to Lee to come to be tested. Despite the long years of absence, she is still family, and she drives to Florida with the two boys. When the sisters are reunited old wounds of course are opened. Bessie has some resentment that she has been left to care for Marvin and Aunt Ruth on her own. Lee feels some guilt about her choice to leave, and resents that Bessie has never made efforts to know her sons.

The care of aging parents is often a source of conflict in families; some of you here know how hard it is be a care giver, and know the hard choices that have to be made. The film accurately shows the deep emotions of negotiating such things as the two sisters each make attempts to reconcile, sometimes succeeding, sometimes not. The film writers knew ? as we do ? that it takes hard, hard work to make family relationships work, especially in times of crisis, especially when past offenses have never been dealt with.

Let?s meet three of the main characters. In this first scene Bessie has been at the doctor?s office - her first visit, not knowing how sick she is - leaving Aunt Ruth to care for Marvin. Aunt Ruth has forgotten to give him his medicine, and she is afraid of being responsible for him. You?ll get a feel for Aunt Ruth?s kind of quirky character, ? she is an avid soap opera fan who sometimes doesn?t seem to know that the soap opera characters are not real ? and then you?ll meet Bessie, and Marvin. There?s something wrong with the mechanism that raises his hospital bed, and it is bucking but not hurting him. Bessie runs in to his room, and pounds on the bed to get it to stop. We get the feeling that this happens often. Marvin is of course frieightened, but watch for how Bessie to calms him. [11:47]

We?re still in the season of Epiphany, you know! The season of light; light that reveals God to us, and light that soothes us as well.

We have met Bessie and Marvin and Aunt Ruth. Now let?s meet the other sister, Lee. She is visiting the institution for disturbed teens where son Hank is staying after he burned down their house. Here we see Lee meeting with the woman in charge of Hank?s therapy. Lee is nervous, awkward; feeling perhaps ashamed that she hasn?t been a better parent. She cares for Hank, but is completed frustrated by her inability to reach him, to be the mother should knows she could be. Listen to her as she talks about herself and her hopes ? hopes only for herself at this point. There?s a very funny parody on psychiatry in the scene too. [Continue the scene]

"He says he misses you." Hank misses the woman with whom he is in constant, sometimes violent conflict. I TOLD you family life is complicated! Lee here says that "Hank is not something I can control." Ironically, much of the film Lee is in fact attempting to control Hank. She?s right that she can?t control him, but that does not stop her from trying. Those attempts of course are met with even greater resistance. And Bessie will win over Hank in part because she allows him freedom to be who he is. No, Lee can?t control Hank; in reality she can?t control anything in life ? not her husband?s leaving, or her son burning down the house, or Marvin?s illness, or Bessie?s leukemia. She can?t control anything, unless it is how she responds to those things.

Carol has a drawing on her desk that has a funny little stick figure of a woman hanging on to the top of a flag pole, her body flying straight out parallel to the ground. The text below says, If you hold on to the handle, she said, it?s easier to maintain the illusion of control. But it?s more fun if you just let the wind carry you. [Brian Andreas]

Meanwhile in Florida, it is confirmed that Bessie doesn?t have a "vitamin deficiency," but rather it is leukemia. She is going through a round of chemotherapy, and is hospitalized. In this scene we see her as Aunt Ruth comes to visit and tries her best to encourage Bessie. As you?ll see, families are great places for secret-keeping, aren?t they! [25:39]

As is so often the case, the one who is supposedly most in need of comfort ends up being the one who comforts.

Lee and her boys arrive, and in the days while they are being tested to see if they might be a match for Bessie?s bone marrow we see the two sisters interacting. Each accuses the other of failing as sisters. There are scenes where they are very angry with each other, but at least they are able to talk. And by their talking, and in their shared fears, they rediscover a relationship, a love sister for sister that lay dormant for two decades. There is still conflict. Bessie, fearing that she may die, hopes that Lee will move down to take over her duties caring for Marvin and Aunt Ruth. Lee wants no part of such a plan. She keeps saying that she is finally getting her life together, and she has a bright future. The idea of setting that future aside is abhorrent to her. But through the conflict, little by little the two women grow closer.

As I say, the film is a wonderful portrayal of the complexities of living in families. But the film has an even more profound message. Last Sunday I told you that I think this is the most stunningly Christian film I have ever seen. Let me show you why I say that. In this scene Bessie has just received a phone call from the doctor saying that neither Lee nor Hank nor the little brother Charlie are viable matches for a transplant. Watch how the two sisters respond to this news no one wanted to hear. And listen for what Bessie says about her life. (The medications that are spilled on the floor, by the way, are their father?s, Marvin?s.) [1:25:49]

Did you hear that? "I?ve been so lucky to have been able to love someone so much." Not lucky because I have been loved ? as wonderful as that is. Not lucky that I have been rich or famous or successful, or respected; Not lucky in the ways that our world says is "lucky." No - Bessie says, "I?ve been so lucky to have been able to love someone so much." That is an amazing statement.

I can think of nothing more absolutely opposite of the wisdom of the world. For we are told by every means possible that the point of life is to be loved. Now, don?t get me wrong. God has created us to be in relationships, and being loved as spouse or child, parent, or friend, that is part of who we are created to be. But those who would find life ? those who would save their lives ? are those who learn the secret that it is in loving others that life is to be found. Bessie?s life, by Lee?s and many people?s estimation, had been lost, wasted even. Twenty years caring for her father and her aunt. Twenty years in which her life was lived out in Marvin?s room. What a tragedy, we say.

But Bessie would say no; "I?ve been so lucky . . . to have loved so much." Jesus said, that those who would save their lives ? by keeping it, guarding it, by controlling people and circumstances thinking that is the way to happiness, to life; those who would save their lives, Jesus said, will lose it. But those who seemingly lose their lives, they will truly find it.

Think of Bessie?s incredible statement this week: "I?ve been so lucky to have been able to love someone so much." It will revolutionize how you look at everything.

The film ends in hope. Not that Bessie will be cured of her leukemia. In fact, we?re left assuming that she won?t. The hope is rather in her sister, Lee.

In the very last scene we Hank (you DiCaprio fans have been waiting to see him) stops by Marvin?s room where Bessie is comforting her father. Hank is at a much better place than when the film started. Lee is in the kitchen. She reflects on a photograph of he mother. Then you?ll see here pull down her father?s list of medications from the refrigerator, and deliberately, calmly takes up the care giver role Bessie has played for twenty years. [1:30:56]

Life goes on. And did you notice that Lee now has joined in following the story line of the Aunt Ruth?s soap opera? She is at home. There will be hard days ahead, we know. Families always have far to go. Hank has a better chance now, but he?ll probably make some mistakes. Bessie and Lee will have disagreements, and they will all argue over what is best for Marvin and for Aunt Ruth as they age. But there has been a transformation here. Bessie has a sister again, and so does Lee. And Bessie has seen even more clearly how blessed she has been, despite what the world might say about her choices. And Lee has seen for the first time that she will find her life only when she loses it, for the sake of love. That is, for the sake of God. For God is love. May WE learn that difficult lesson too. Amen.