This is What REALLY Matters: Family
March 12, 2006
Ralph DiBiasio-Snyder

Stories of Jacob and Esau

Introduction to the Scripture

Families! Aren't they great?! Aren't they wacky? Aren't they frustrating? Aren't we at our best and our worst, our most noble and our most despicable when we're being family? Ah the disputes, the grudges, the conflicts that take place in the name of "family" - especially when money is introduced into the equation! And yet - and yet - it is here in the circle of the family that for many life's greatest joys are found. And when they look back at their lives they say that one of the experiences that in the end really matters the most were the relationships found in the family.

The biblical writers acknowledge the reality of family life. They don't sugarcoat the heroes and heroines of the biblical narrative, as if people who have faith therefore have loving, warm, nurturing relationships in their families. Indeed sometimes the greatest leaders outside the family are the ones who make the biggest messes within the family.

Today's story is a great one for its candor. Here is a real family. It's about a mom and a dad, and their two sons. The dad, Isaac, is on his deathbed. He is blind. But all is not lost! His appetite is still good! He wants a big meal! And he wants to bestow on his firstborn son Esau the family blessing - the inheritance. That was the custom that the oldest son would get just about everything!

Mom, on the other hand, likes the second boy, Jacob, the best. And so Rebekah plots to pull a fast one over her spouse - my goodness, no one has ever done that before, and surely nothing like that goes on our families! - and she gets Jacob to go along with a pretty daring plan.

So what we have here is sibling rivalry, spouses deceiving each other, a child lying to a dying parent, even a death threat! And you thought YOUR family was a mess! Here is dysfunction in full bloom! Here WE are, at least here we can see something of ourselves reflected in the hungry, and naive Isaac and protective Rebekah,, the weak trickster Jacob, and the good-hearted, wronged Esau.

Thankfully the story of this tragically divided family does not end there. After years of estrangement, Jacob and Esau see each other again, and for Jacob there is a surprise ending. There is the surprise of grace. Let's listen in on a family. . . . .

Jacob had good reason to be afraid of Esau. He had not done well by his brother. His deceit had broken up the family; it meant that Esau would have to begin adult life with nothing from his father's holdings, knowing that Jacob had gotten it all, and his mother's love beside. Esau had every right to be angry - very angry - with such a brother.

Besides that, it is Jacob - not Esau - who will go on to take the lead in the unfolding biblical story of the Hebrew people. It is Jacob's sons - not Esau's - who lead the twelve tribes of Israel. It is Jacob's favorite son, Joseph, who is the great hero of Genesis, not either of Esau's sons, Eliphaz and Reuel.

And yet who is the hero of faith in the story we just heard? Where is grace found in the midst of this family where rivalry and deceit seem to mark every relationship? Grace is in Esau. Forgiveness is in the one most wronged. Grace appears in the least likely of places. I want us to return to that in a moment.

But first, let's think about that word family shall we? It is a popular word these days! "Family Values" - we hear that term all the time, especially on the lips of candidates. We need to "protect the family," they tell us. We need to "defend" it. The Family Research Counsel, one of the most powerful, conservative think tanks and political players in our nation, says that the family is "the foundation of civilization, the seedbed of virtue, and the wellspring of society." Their purpose, says their website, is to "defend family, faith, and freedom."

And who, of course, can argue against family? Who in their right mind would speak against covenanted relationships in which people can form lifelong ties, where they can foster a loving atmosphere for children, where moms, dads, brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, grandparents can live in love and safety? Family we say surely is a good thing, where unique relationships can be cherished and nourished. Who can be against family?

The struggle, of course, these days is, who gets to define what family is? Some long for the "good old days" of Ward and June Cleaver, when all was well within the protective walls of the traditional family unit - mom and dad, and two kids. But we know that wasn't true. All was not well. Mom, dad and two kids does not necessarily add up to a healthy family. Lots of families don't look like the Cleavers any more.

But perhaps we shoulld look to the Bible to tell us what a family is supposed to look like. Maybe there it's defined! Well, let's see . . looking at today's story. Jacob had two wives, Leah and Rachel. And he had children by his wives' maids too . . . A busy fellow! Esau had three wives. Maybe we don't want the Old Testament to define family. How about the New Testament?

Jesus, as far as we know, did not marry. The DaVinci Code not withstanding, he didn't have a family of his own in the traditional sense of being married and rasing children.. He had a mom and dad - and brothers and sisters too. But his family, he said, were his disciples. And St. Paul, he didn't marry - a good thing too, given his personality - and he even advised against marriage - too much to do, he said, to be bothered with a family! Jesus is coming back, he said . . . probably tomorrow! Donj't bother having a family!

So the New Testament doesn't seem to offer a paradigm for "family."

You know, we sometimes speak of the "institution" of marriage or of family as if these are unchanging, prescribed relationships, defined once and for all time. That's what an "institution" is - something firmly established. But we know that families have always been changing, sometimes a little, and other times a lot, responding to changes in the larger society. And of course "family" can mean very different things depending on where you are in the world.

While it might be comforting to think that there is some God-given model for a "family," a prescribed pattern with defined roles and relationships that if followed will guarantee happiness for all, and wholesomeness for society, that is simply not the case. The reality is that "family" can take on many forms, and that people in those many forms can be nurtured and cared for. A healthy family - by that I mean a family where relationships are marked by deep caring and respect, genuine love and grace, where each member of that family knows they are safe and are loved and can grow into whole people - a healthy family can have many configurations. Your lavender insert from the Counseling Center offers a very helpful list of characteristics of a healthy family, no matter its form.

And too, we have to recognize that it has been in the family unit that, sadly and tragically, some people have found not joy but darkness. For some even the craziness of the family story we heard today - filled with deception and manipulation, sibling rivalry and parental misbehaving - looks like paradise compared to what some have experienced in their family. It has been in their family of origin where they have found not safety and respect but abuse whose scars run very deep indeed. And so for them "family" must be found elsewhere.

Yes, one of the things that in the end "really matters" is "family." But family will mean different things for different people.

As an aside, but not really, in the so-called "culture wars" debate, I heard a very disturbing new development a week or so ago, and I make mention of it because of our topic today - family. It seems that the same people who want to deny marriage to same-sex couples also want to deny them the joys and responsibilities of raising children. There is legislation proposed in sixteen states now to outlaw the adoption of children by gay and lesbian people. Aren't we supposed to be encouraging the formation of families? Aren't we supposed to be caring for our children, especially those whose own families cannot care for them? How does denying children the right to live in a family - and adults the joys of parenting these children - uphold family values? If, as the proponents of this legislation are saying, children should be raised in homes where there is a mom and a dad, and therefore same-sex couples are not be eligible, then by the same reasoning single parents would not be allowed to raise their children. And that makes no sense. This proposed legislation is anti-family, and anti-children.

Our society is wrestling with issues of what it means to be family. We wrestle with it because it is so important. And we wrestle because it is a complex issue. The biblical characters as we saw in our story knew all the trials and pitfalls of living together as family, no matter what that family configuration may have been at the time. But no matter who happens to be within our family, the challenge of living together in honesty and with joy, mutually supporting one another, and putting up with one another, the difficult task of caring for each other is always there.

Don't imagine that other families have it all together; don't imagine that only your family has arguments and disappointments, disputes and even betrayals. Yours is not the only family that faces difficulties, that has times of unity and joy, but also times of division. All families do!

If the story of Jacob and Esau tells us anything, it reminds us that even the best of families can have a rough go of it. And their story tells us something else. Their story offers hope of reconciliation. As we noted earlier, if anyone had reason to never forgive a brother, it was Esau. No one would have blamed him if he had never come home; no one would faulted him if he hated Jacob to his dying day. But in Esau's graciousness toward Jacob we see a glimpse of God's grace. And in that glimpse we have hope.

Hope that the most divided of families may yet come back together. Hope that the division between brother and brother, sister and sister, parent and child - that wound that seems never to close - we have hope that reconciliation may yet happen, even in our family.

In the end, what really matters is our relationships. They are never simple. They take work and honesty and vulnerability. But in the end how we relate to each other, especially in that group of people we call our "family" that is what matters the most.

May God grant us perspective to see how precious are the people in our lives. How blessed we are to have found family - in our friends, in our church, wherever we have found it. And let us cherish that blessing. Amen.